MirrorOfTheSoul's Vampire Journal

MirrorOfTheSoul's Journal

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3 entries this month

← Nov 2012

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I will not speak anymore of my pains and cries.
12:47 Dec 31 2012
Times Read: 454

I will not speak anymore of my pains and cries.

I will not rant anymore,

I will not talk anymore about my problems,

I will not complaint anymore,

I will not rely on anyone either.

I will keep all in the dark

I will keep everything inside me

Even if it drains me

Even if it breaks me to pieces

And shatter down,

No matter how much friends

I got I will not ever complaint again.

I will not cry anymore.

If I do it will be very silent tears

It will be very invisible to all.

I will become invisible

when I will be sad or

I will be just smiling broadly although

Inside I am shaking with anger or sadness

Or in shock.

I never was and I never want to be

like certain people who see friends or lovers as

benefits or in need only.

So even when I want to end my life with a gun

or jumping off the roof

or overdosed on something I will

Keep it to myself.

I don't wanna be a burden

I don't want to be seen as pitiful

I don't want to be seen ungrateful fucking spoiled brat

I don't want to be seen as pathetic or in need

I want to show them I can love people

without needing them,

without relying on them

So even if I am dying I will keep silent

cause only like that I will be appreciated

so I will just keep smiling or laughing

I am cracking and crashing

deep down but I will keep on smiling

like nothing ever happened.

I don't want to hear I am sorry, word

I don't want to see sorry faces on me

I don't want to be looked down at

I am here smiling Hey I am ok,

see? am smiling. No need to worry

I am in no need of love.

I want to be loved but

not in need to. I do not love you

cause I need you.

You are not my friend, cause you benefit me

you are not my friend cause I need you

you are my friend cause I want you

same for people I love.

I love you not cause I need you

I love you cause I simply love you

I do not need you

Mirror of the soul

COMMENTS

16:16 Dec 29 2012
Times Read: 462

I feel Ugly, and insecure

many times I look at myself

I am disgusted

I am in a gender that does not

belong to me and yet I am stuck

I try to look positive

everyday is a day of

curiosity to me but when

it comes to the middle of it

or when I shower,

I look at my body and I feel

like a monster.

I got no sexiness in me

I got no beauty, and I see

men and women who are

better looking than me

Even my brother Jamex Black

Look better than me as a man

and as a Woman Naomi looks

sexier and hotter.

These issues are taking me

back when I started to have

acne, greasy and messy hair

my chest started to grow even

more and although I was slim

I never liked it. I broke every Mirror

that was in front of my face.

I can't stand any mirror

cause I can't stand my own

look. I changed it to many ways

but I can't seem to be satisfied.

I got chubby and started to gain

more weight. My breast enlarged

again and this happened within months

or times in a year. But to me its grotesque

it needs to be eliminated. If I could I would

Eliminate this whole self and start to sketch and

draw the ideal new self and maybe I become

Happy. But then why, why whenever and whatever

I change my self so many times I can never like myself?

Why I see only ugliness in me?

Now I see why I used to like Naomi alot.

Its not a crush I have on her, but I see in her

that "I wish I could be her" cause she looks perfect

When I look defective. I see Jamex great looking as a guy

apart that i am a bit taller than him LOL sorry brother., LOL

but he still is better than me.

This one of the issues I can't seem to win

and this is one of those fucking issues that makes me feel

Lonely and Isolated from other people.

from socializing from other people.

I might smile and laugh and look

I don't fucking care of the world

that goes against me, but in reality

I am about to crack any moment like a thin glass.

Someone help me.

Before I vanish into more depressive shit hole than

I am already in.

COMMENTS

01:14 Dec 14 2012
Times Read: 472

My head hurts,

My heart is writhing in Pain,

I feel cold and something

have shattered inside me.

I want to die and reborn

total monster like

A heartless motherfucker

like that i will not be in pain.

I am alone, no one cares

whether I die or live

whether I exist or not.

Whoever i love in the end

will go away from me,

cause i am not meant to

be loved back but to suffer

instead and being eaten

alive and become rotten.

No wait!! I am already rotten

that is why no one want to love me

So is not better to die? no its not.

I want to live but i cant. cause this heart

so sensitive to the emotions is making me

weak and ridiculous. Its making me useless

I just want to die and re-born heartless

COMMENTS

← Nov 2012

Jan 2013 →

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